I'll remain bipolar...

One minute I am very joyful and the next minute my mood changes. I become so irritable and angry at everything including this piercing car alarm that I am hearing while writing this piece. Sometimes I want to call or go to see a close someone, but the next minute I am like, to hell with staying in touch, let them say I am unfriendly.  

Don’t tell me; I know I am bipolar, but even if I fight really hard to stay above water, how can I control the emotion when I keep seeing people trying to heal their wounds by wounding others? How can my mood be stable when folks with broken propellers keep interrupting those who can fly from flying?  Why wouldn’t I have a damn mood when almost everyone is trying to wreak havoc on everyone else’s life?

The way I get pissed off really pisses me off, but I am not looking for help. I don’t need any hug or forged love. I am not ready to pull myself out of this until we all stop acting as if we have to fail one another in order to succeed, until no one is inferior or superior to anyone, until we all stop enjoying each other’s misfortune, and until being displeased with each other’s good fortune becomes history, I remain bipolar.

I love beautiful...

I know the eye that loves ignores all faults, including jagged butts and warped faces, but hold on a second! “What every man should desire is an ugly woman with a beautiful heart, not a beautiful woman with an ugly heart.” - Eeeeew! Like seriously?

If the verb “should” still refers to obligation or duty and if the faint conditionality of this sentence is anything to go by, then I don’t know who said it or maybe it’s just a consolation, but I totally disagree. C'mon man, if inner and outer beauties aren’t mutually suited, then why do you think movie producers select ugly people to play evil roles?

Me, even in exceptional situations, I’ll go for a cold-blooded beauty and put up with the consequences than someone as unappetising as a bad dream. Thank God that ugly women are very, very rare in my part of the world. AND anyone who takes offence at this joke is ugly, no apologies!

When I get really pissed off...

Sometimes when I get really pissed off, I wish I was one big uninformed village dweller - a very remote village, and probably go by the name Seedati. So when madam needs me, she’ll call out: “Nmbaring Seedati Wooo!” and I’ll say: “Nnamoo, Kanjango!”

When the kids are sent to call me for a meeting at the village square, they’ll say: “Nfa Seedati, Nfa Suntukung ko Alikalo ko e’sitay danku Bantabato” and there my peers will be like: “Afang Seedati, korrtanteh, dimbayal'lay, hamdullah, mbeh siidula, Barrkallah.”

If we need clarification on current issues, we’ll just call one of those village VIPs or a certain local champion if you like. I mean those transistor-radio holding BBC listening unqualified teachers or auxiliary nurses on postings. Seriously, sometimes one is happier being clueless.

Untrue friends - Cut them off!

Friends who're true to the values of friendship will tell their friends the truth no matter what, but especially when what a friend is doing or is about to do is not unlike catastrophe at hand. These friends may tell you things that may upset you for a moment, but you’ll eventually thank them for being able to prevent that which could’ve been a tragedy.

Untrue friends on the other hand will commend everything you do, say or wear even if everything sucks, but only in your presence and in order to remain in your good books. Behind your back, they’ll try to damage your worth by celebrating your failures and expressing displeasure at every good thing that people say about you.

If you’re seen doing well or your name getting out there, they’ll do anything to dent it. If your job is what you’re admired for, they’ll blame it on favouritism, or say you got laid to get there. If the photos you share are said to be cute, they will give credit to Camera360. If you’re able to write with feeling, they’ll try to dig up your source, like you’re supposed to be stupid like them who even if sent to England to study English proficiency will come back with English deficiency.

If you ask me, a God-given reputation cannot be destroyed like that. Slander loving people will certainly believe the crap, but that’s before the truth you’re living starts to disagree with every bomboclaat lie they say about you.

Choose Your Religious Guides Wisely.

You can sue your doctor for giving you a harmful prescription and the damages may include up to the care and medical expenses required in treating the long-term effects of the harmful medicine. You can take your accountant or auditor to task for professional misconduct. You may even consider suing your lawyer for legal malpractice if he or she screws up your case.

Same way, you can get your money back from your mechanic or bring a claim on any specialist you may engage in any activity. However, and correct me if I am wrong, I don’t think on ‘that day’ you can tell God that you got lost because you were misled by the one you selected as your spiritual guide.

I believe all humans have equal human standing and have been given an equal measure of freewill by God – and don’t get me wrong; I am not trying to encourage a DIY type of spirituality and certainly not saying do not have a spiritual guide, because we all need one, especially if you’re as lay as I am, but make sure you choose wisely, and do not expect yours to give you more than what’s beyond human capacity.

The Hunt For The Credit Associated With Being The First.

On social media in particular, there will be some will try so hard to be the first to know everything and the first to reveal or cast the news. It perhaps gives a feeling of being on top of things. The only time they’re forced to put up the shutters and call the rest “the bandwagon” is when someone beats them to their thing and they realise that what they were dying to reveal has become an open secret.

To make worthless amends for missing that credit associated with being the first. They’ll either try to discredit the one who got the better of the situation or try to suck the excitement out of everything. Sometimes they’ll lamely comment that they knew it, but they just don’t care, it’s not worth their time or it’s none of their business, but if not just to piss others off, why the hell would someone have the time to comment on what’s truly none of his or her business?

If you ask me, don’t allow anyone to destroy your mood or ruin your fun simply because you said or did something or choose to go with a certain flow that doesn't give the person the lead...and about how I know these things, one doesn't have to be a seer to be fairly omnipresent in petty minds, and to be able to interpret their acts, judge their motivations and even tell who they’re snapping back at. 

Human Interests?

In one ‘NOisey Jamaica’ episode, I heard Chronixx say: “mankind is no longer interested in anything that doesn’t have a curse behind it” and he is right. If truth be told, human interest is hardly in the best interest of human beings and that’s no sarcasm. See what was able to make the headlines:

“A New York judge granted two chimpanzees (lab animals), Hercules and Leo of Stony Brook University, the right to have their day in court” - and they could be considered "legal persons" in the eyes of the law you know. Maybe very soon we’ll have chimpanzees as legal representatives.

Anyway, in a separate nonsense: “according to new research, the average erect penis length is just over 13 centimetres, or around 5 inches” – the researchers said they studied more than 15,000 penises to determine this.  Imagine how many hungry mouths that research money can feed, but that’s not their business. They’re only interested in the size of a tool.  Mtchew!!

Meanwhile, “wild chimps in Uganda have learned to look both ways when crossing the roads.” Isn’t that awesome? Actually something most humans don’t do - I am a driver so I know. I guess the theory of evolution and certainly devolution isn’t so weird after all. 

Some humans are unnecessary add-ons!

Living this life is not unlike surfing the internet. Sometimes it is so fast but other times it decelerates. Sometimes some browsers won’t respond as expected, and so you need to refresh them occasionally or close everything and open them on a whole new set of tabs.

Sometimes a crash may occur and you’ll be there thinking “oh, this stupid internet is at it again,” but no; buggy toolbars or browser add-ons can cause that kind of annoyance. Try to run things without these needless add-ons and see if you won’t be at an advantage. In case you’re confused right now, these add-ons are those who’ll strongly dislike and want to ruin everything you do, but still play the role of friends - some you don’t even know beyond social media.

They’re highly contagious and so cunning that they can hide very tragic schemes behind their smiles, but you can easily tell because the smiles are usually depressed and fireless, like the smile I had to force this morning – even though the joke was terrible, I smiled in order to make the joker feel better.  

Now once you notice just one classic sign of guilt or malfunction, disable the individual (add-on) and don’t wait until the whole truth eventually surfaces because that may be too late.  

To disable: go to Start, then Tools, and then click Manage Add-ons. Under Show, click All Add-ons. The add-ons you’ll see will probably be: hypocrites, ingrates, backstabbers, toadies, liars, jealous arse idiots, etc. Click the one you want to disable, and then click on Disable. Repeat this step for every add-on you want to disable until finish. Then thank me if you’re done and finally free. Now disregard this suggestion and get ready to live a desperately dependent life. 

‘Son of the Congo’ - an inspiration!

“With what I have been through in my life, when I was young - to stay focus with no food, my dad in prison, sleeping on the street – that was hard. So to sacrifice for my team in the NBA Playoffs is nothing for me”- that was Serge Ibaka on his decision to play and help his team that was down 0-2, even though he had a calf injury that was supposed to sideline him for the rest of the season.

Mr. ‪Avec Classe’s ‘Son of the Congo’ got me all emotional, but that’s what’s up. Successful people should be bold enough to tell their stories in order to inspire those on the point of despair. The episodes I watched are a manifestation of the fact that he who is patient and focused will someday smile, and that while life ain’t done yet, change is still possible, be it gloom to bloom or rags to riches.

The wise thing is: do not trade your little endeavours for hearsays and baseless assumptions, or throw in the towel on the pretext of problems. In fact I prefer to call human conditions challenges and not problems.

As humans, hope is all we have, because we cannot see the end - and even though it’s natural to sometimes feel desperate or become sick and tired of being sick and tired of your condition, it is also important to remember that the food which sustained the billy goat until it grows its beard is sufficient to continue to sustain it until YaAllah dogal ndogalam.

Say No to "Backway"!

Sadly, this ‘back-way’ thingy has become a voyage of imminent loss, transforming the Mediterranean into a sea of remembrance for dead dreams. So heartbreaking that our desire to get to Europe is resurrecting those forced journeys of the transatlantic slave trade, but this time we’re generously allowing ourselves to be smuggled. I cannot believe that some of the agents are our own, who’ll in no way take the risk, but can abet greedy traffickers and swindlers to create a holocaust of hopes.

Holding memories of friends, brothers and sisters who died on this unfortunate journey is a heart-rending nightmare. Now I don’t even go to ‘warga-warga’ games because it feels so lifeless and lonely. The other day I saw two formerly opposing soccer teams merging their two teams in order to have a complete team, sadly because the missing players have gone and are going gradually more.

Sometimes we blame the effect while closing our eyes to the cause. Sometimes we massage the truth or prefer to remain silent because we don’t want to be seen as if we don’t care about the youths. Others make it appear as if the ‘back-way’ is all there’s to offer. Some who were never there when these kids needed them the most will pay huge sums to set them out on this suicide mission, and to claim name about that (diiw sangam mo yobu diiw). Those discouraging the course are becoming sick and tired of the needless persistence.

Sometimes I feel I have figured out the driving force, but other times I wonder if this perilous challenge is truly a consequence of conditions or just desire-motivated decisions, especially when employed and skilled people split up with everything they have and leave. Sometimes I ask myself, rather than buying a pig in a poke, what if all that money was invested on something assuredly gainful - but wouldn’t that depend on the market and opportunities available - but aren’t opportunities supposed to be created? Good God, what a complex simplicity!

There are some who are just victims of deception, motivated by friends who pretend to be living lives that they want others to think they’re living. Some leave because they live with families that do not give those at home the exact copy of the love and attention they give to those abroad. Others including those stranded somewhere along the way dare because they want to command bravery (yeffi goor la), but if bravery means stepping in where angels fear to tread, I’ll rather remain a coward.

Those who are able to get there in one piece usually realise the delusion when it is already late to go back, but when they call home to dissuade the others, folks feel they’re insincere and should probably come back if what they’re saying is what it is. I wonder how long it will take to realise that the ones who’re keeping it real and telling us that the grass isn't always greener on the other side are in fact more sincere.

Granted, Europe can present many possibilities for immigrants to earn a prosperous living and to succeed in their economic and social objectives. However, Europe can also be very traumatic, especially when you get there illegally. Myself, I used to think that the God over there is more generous than the God down here, but that was before I got there.

I am not trying to kill dreams, and it’s not like I am okay or not tired of being poor, but the fact is, life is naturally tough and is under no obligation to give us everything. For that reason, no matter your condition, there will always be someone somewhere dying to have what you’re putting too small a price on. The important thing is to be able to serve a purpose and to overstand that those seemingly perfect lives that we want ours to be like are sometimes more of lifestyles than purposes.

Borom karaw bu nyul nyakul dara

Beye du raas demi guddi

Bring Back Humanity!

If you watch BBC’s Human Planet series and see humanity's extraordinary gift and ingenuity to adapt to all environments, and how man is able to tame and live with the world’s most dangerous creatures. Now see news updates around the world - the degree of human-on-human violence, unabated ignorance and the arrogance of those trying to shove their ideas down the throats of others, you’ll be sickened and confused at the same time and I am not trying to be sarcastic.

Why can man not use his God-given cleverness to live in peace with each other and to recognise each other as global citizens? I see humans going all out to protect the environment and to end animal cruelty, but human interest is hardly in the best interest of human beings – why is that?

Some will take advantage of religion to serve their ego and to create division and confusion, and others will pretend to be victims of racism in order to harm blameless people of other races and to get out of situations, knowing how sensitive the support structure of religion and race is. Some will pretend to be sufferers of abuse and discrimination in order to garner unjust support and to settle scores that never were.

I got so pissed off that I spent the weekend in search of a reason to not sever ties with the human race and live an isolated existence, and the xenophobic violence going on in South Africa made me even more hopeless. However, the sad news about the lady who died this weekend trying to save a little one from an inferno changed my frustration. Even if it was her own child, her story confirms the reality that there are people who can sacrifice themselves out of altruism - May her loving soul rest in peace.

In spite of everything, I believe there are still people who’ll dedicate their lives to three things: serving, protecting rights and improving the world around them. These people can be anyone, from the blood donor to my Christian neighbour who occasionally prepares ‘nanburu’ for everyone regardless, and from that celebrity who sends thank-you gifts to people who made a difference in his life, to the woman who neatens our community mosque every weekend, and to leaders whose actions keep inspiring everyone. May we know these people and try to be like them.

A Big NO to Xenophobia

Gramps Morgan said: “If you love humanity then you will fight for equality - and if you love humanity then you will fight for justice and peace - you should never see you brother crying and ignore his pain - you should never see your sister walking down the wrong lane" [Morgan Heritage - Helping Hand lyrics]

Sadly and inexcusably, some nutcases somewhere in South Africa have totally lost grip on this reality. Like all nutcases, they probably got up one morning with a resentful yawn and a stretch and said: “Okay! Whose life are we going to fuck up today? Oh, we get it - these hardworking foreigners think they can come here and be more successful and useful to our country than our useless selves? NEVER! We’re going to destroy them and scare the rest.”

So they got down to a separateness triggered by misplaced resentment, butchering and burning innocent fellow black people, forgetting who stood up for them during the country's bloody apartheid. Well, I guess the saying that humans are capable of roasting their fellow humans is not so metaphorical after all.

I am not trying to tar everyone with the same brush. I know some sensible South Africans who must be appalled right now, and if asked to choose between being South African and being creatures in Alien franchise, they’ll go for the latter and gladly sever ties with these morally low countrymen. The enlightened South Africans that I know have compassion and don’t have the heart to inflict pain on an insect, not to mention a fellow human being. 

Africa Unite!

Perhaps because of the African in me, I get so annoyed whenever TIA (This is Africa) is mentioned, especially by people of non-African descent and in a bid to rationalise the inconceivable events that take place in this continent, but really, quarrelling over such disrespect is sometimes overtaken by very ugly events.

Since I refreshed my Facebook browser this morning, the greater part of news updates appearing on my timeline are crises relating to this continent; from religious confusion, xenophobia to political stampedes, and is like everywhere has its own wahala, from Timbuktu to Abyssinia.

Still, I am trying to convince myself that this continent that is said to be the birthplace of humanity and civilization can do better if she wants to, that she’s not a continent of firefighters who only fight fires they willingly fired up, that Africa can be more willingly proactive than reactive, but not when all I can see right now is a manifestation of a continent that is as reactive as a brigade of firefighters and as late in resolving emergencies as the police in horror movies.

I hate to think that sights are too low that we can only act in response to issues after they have happened and damages are done, and mostly by praying to a God that we think is probably black or exclusively ours, and then we sit and wait for His intervention, whilst blaming foreign or condemning the issues and absolving the architects, or using more devastating solutions like opening a certain can of worms and eventually making bad things worse.

It appears to me that we are yet to overstand that whatever we may intend to accomplish as a continent or race, or whatever we are going prevent from happening or cause to happen tomorrow will naturally be a consequence of our actions or inactions of today. 

I have a confession!

I have a confession. In fact I have always tried to be a symbol of this confession, but it seems to be overtaken by the high opinion that folks have of me, perhaps elicited by who they think I am. Some even overlook the ‘manta-bengho’ (stroke of luck) bit of events and make it feel like I did better than those homeboys that got messed up in that life we all led, or those serving time for herb offences.

To begin with, let me declare that if achievement or overcoming obstacles to become somebody was the inevitable result of CONSCIOUS effort, I wouldn't have been where I am today. I would probably be one pissed off, uneducated and dissenting element of the underclass.

Flashback - When I was growing up, I had two lives. One was to appease my mom (RIP) because she was strict like that, so my home life had to be well-mannered, but outside the home, I was a kid on his own and I did whatever I wanted.  In short, my life at home was regulated, but I totally owned the one outside.

My performance in school was not so highly regarded. In fact I never looked forward to top grades. I can hangout till late doing what boys do and knowing that I have an exam the next day. All I wanted was to pass and I did just that. I did everything the school declared inappropriate, because to me, compliance was a weakness. I talked back to teachers and laughed in the face of those massively proud prefects, because I can't stand illusions of power. 

I was an epitome of willfulness but I swear I wasn't stupid. I passed unaided to go to Armitage then to Nusrat, and hardly graced Saturday classes with my presence. If I ever wore my uniform tucked-in, know that it was against my will. I wasn't part of those cool students that used to take the front rows during assembly, if I attended assemblies that is. I never raised my hand to answer questions in class even when I knew all the answers.  In fact I used to cause trouble or fake excuses to get out of class and to go to the basketball court or the garden.

In spite of this, one thing that keeps me going and hopeful up to now is my trust in change, and in the evident realisation of the fact that despite everything I did, the respect and dutifulness I afforded my mom is constantly proving worthwhile. I have always believed that for the one who’s intended for success, the way of success will always win, that hope wouldn't be born if all is healthy-looking, that things have changed, and things will change more, and so I promised myself never to lose my reason for living.

When the audience is preconceived...

When the audience is preconceived, especially at a meeting where you happen to have fewer diplomas or titles to your name, or you’re perhaps the youngest and expected to know less, you’ll hardly disagree with a view, form a factual judgement or even joke about anything without someone choosing to be offended, or without someone taking the whole story and tailor it to fit a fixed belief.

Some will say you think you’re intelligent, but that shouldn’t bother you because that’s natural of envious people, and it’s mostly an implicit affirmation of what they think you’re. Others may even say you’re just trying to be relevant, but who doesn’t want to matter? Tell me, who wants to be in this world waiting to breathe your last and be trashed like a dead chicken? Isn’t a chicken’s funeral not what happens when an irrelevant person dies?

Seriously, except for genuinely close people, and I mean the ones that love you for God’s sake, the rest will not even grieve over your demise, and you’ll more than likely go to hell for having lived for nothing. If you ask me, you are good to go as long as you maintain good manners during an argument, especially when the subject matter has no clear-cut evidence. If the meeting or audience ignore all the facts and act like the shoe is theirs, then let them wear it - As-salamu alaykum!

My Continent's Pseudo Intellectuals

Very discouraging it is when not-so-educated Africans are trying to find uncomplicated solutions to Africa's environmental, economic, health and social issues, and you see the continent's intellectuals on some journal or talk show spitting high-sounding vocabulary all over the place and with vague sense; complicating very simple things.

I don't know, perhaps for the purpose of impressing lay people, they’ll bring avoidable acronyms into play, say for instance: "For Africa to get to where we want it to be, we must create functional EPSs, CPFFs, AARCHs, EGARCHs, ZPGs..." and until your head hurts, but what’s stopping them from creating these institutions? Must they fall from heaven? Are the acronyms and big grammar going to fight diseases, end conflicts, rehabilitate frustrated junkies and put food on the poor man's table?

Some of them remind me of my boy from primary school – that one, when we are quizzing one another and everyone runs out of questions, he’ll start throwing acronyms and he'll be like: “What is SKKBJ ‘Soma Koteng Kanay Bu Jeh.’ What does VIMTO stand for ‘Very Important Man To Obey.’ What is the meaning of ITALY ‘I Trust And Love You,’ or what is the meaning of GAMBIA ‘Girls Are Making Baskets In America’” - and we used to clap for him you know.

This is why I respect technicians and odd-jobbers; the spanner, screwdriver and sledge hammer people. I think they talk less and do more, masterful at doing and are more result oriented.

Sophisticated Humanoids

Normal people will refuse to be programmed, and they’ll be judged so much so that they’ll wish they could go away, to some remote village somewhere in the Amazon rainforest perhaps, where people with real ingenuity live and don’t need money to live on; away from sophisticated humanoids who have everything yet lack everything, who discover everything yet know nothing, who could be united but prefer division, who create one thing by destroying another.

I am talking about the time when greater part of humanity will be relegated to Android and iOS powered zombies. You know, owned by their own creations – no, scratch creations, they’re not even creators, they’re assemblers of accessible natural stuff.

I am talking about the time when people will depend on software and apps, and with more trust than even the brains behind those inventions. After that, nothing will be left of their brains but the name and the cavities they occupy. They’ll be happier socialising virtually than physically. So they can be keen on one another this minute and become bitter rivals the next minute and for ridiculous reasons.

They’ll rely so heavily on machines that they wouldn’t be able to function without them. They’ll even use machines and games to raise their kids, but still have the nerve to flex some cleverness that doesn’t exist within their minds, or pretend to know so much about things they know so little about. You give them an opportunity to be heard, they’ll act as if they have everything figured out, from the measurement of the brush that God used to paint the skies to why Adam and Eve ate that bloody apple.

They’ll become so fascinated with riches that they will do anything to get it, but that’s because having riches will translate to more power, more friends and more chicks, but inadvertently more enemies too. They will become a people who’ll pay no regard to hardworking people. In fact being unimportant in their midst will become a crime and no one will be willing to care about you.

Their obsession with themselves will blind them into not making distinction between their private and public lives. So they’ll mindlessly announce everything in their lives, blowing irrelevance out of proportion and mostly just to piss one another off. Everything they do will be overdone because everyone will want to look better than everyone.

If you ask me, these sophisticated humanoids are the root of all evil, and God hardly answers their prayers because half the things they do in His name aren’t heartfelt. As a matter of fact, other creatures use them as a perfect example of how over-rated yet so difficult to deal with, so badly informed, unreliable and self-centered creatures can be –  now that’s sad!

Everything is but a season.

I don’t like a history that teaches me to dislike certain people on the basis of the past actions of their ancestors, but I love history for the lesson that everything is but a season and all seasons come to an end, that time runs everything, including a time to be born and a time to die, a time to gain and a time to lose, etc.

Even that television drama series that was listed as the longest-running soap opera had an end. I don’t know the name, but that’s beside the point, you may check the Guinness World Records to validate the facts. What I want to say is that every storyline, be it difficult or painless, yours, mine and everyone else’s will one day grind to a halt - no ifs, ands, or buts about that.

I think I have read, travelled, seen, been ditched even by my longest served sweetheart and lived long enough to accept the fact that nothing endures and nothing in life is everlasting except the Most High’s everlasting promise, not even your specially selected friends will keep on forever.

It will help if we could all take a moment and reflect on our past and the past of others. It will help us to live in the present, to build a future and to leave behind admirable epitaphs, because in the end, that’s all what will be left of us, memories of the things we shaped or shattered

You're not old until you're old.

At a wedding I was at the other day, some juju-looking raggedy-ass girls wearing very poorly embroidered ‘Ashobi’ were throwing shade at a really nice lady. She should by all accounts be in her 30s, even though she looked younger than all four of them. They couldn't get above their jealousy so they made it feel like she needed to be apologetic for her gift.

Unfortunately for them, the lady had her own back and was able to put them in their despicable place. Now since I cannot mind my business when mean people are told off like that, I was like “Ouch!” I am all for people appreciating finesse, it is goodness, especially fine people whose grace is here to reduce the effect of all the spitefulness going on in this world.

In my opinion, people do not age according to the numbers in their years but by the pace of their value’s decline, particularly to wear and tear or even lack of care and self-hate. I believe you’re considered old when your body starts to treat your mind with contempt, like when your mind tells you to do things, but your body just won’t or can’t do them.

When your body’s fulcrum gets so exposed that no quality of twerking, winding or swerving you do on the dance floor is ever stimulating, even with implants from head to toe, because the body’s gone so stiff that even WD-40 sprayed all over the waist, hips and butt will still be a nil effect, that’s when you know you’re old – and it could be as early as any age.

You know you’re completely rundown when your assets: I mean your radiant skin, full lips, round behind and excitable flat belly start doing an about face, and even worse when your mind is messed up like that

Hashtag Writes

Dear Hashtag (Ab)user,

My name is Hashtag and I act for any word or phrase that is preceded by a hash sign (#). The idea behind my being is to be able to identify messages on specific topics and to help people to search for messages that have a common topic, and as simply as clicking on a particular hashtag.

However, I have observed that some of you are misusing, abusing and overusing me and I don’t like it. Sometimes I am used more than the words in certain posts, and other times I am made unnecessarily longer than even a normal sentence.

Sometime I am like, how can you use a hashtag that is 140 characters long and expect someone somewhere to have a message tagged like that. I'm not kidding, but calm down! LOL

Pissed off tool

Hashtag

It pays to be nice and humble.

So Barack Obama went to Jamaica and spoke Jamaican Patois, saying: “Wa guan Jamaica”, stopped at the Bob Marley museum, did power-five and pound handshakes. His take on the decriminalisation of the herb was asked, and he humbly answered even though he said it’s not a “silver bullet.” He posed with the legend Usain Bolt and did Bolt’s signature pose, et cetera.

Now with the exception of few never-happy-about-anything-Babylon Jamaicans, Mr. President’s coolness really earned him admiration over there.

See how you can be worthy of goodwill and positive reception even in Jamaica and it won’t cost you anything except your friendly attitude and humility - and do you know that goodwill is a quantifiable asset? Yes it is, ask the accountants.

I once wrote a piece about this man that used to stop by our hangout to give us a piece of his stack of Nana/Spearmint and respectfully talk to us like he was one of us, and how that gesture earned him our loyalty, how we used to brew green tea for him, washed his livestock and ran most of his errands.

Even now that we’re all grown, we still pay homage. The last I saw him, no brags and not that he cannot afford it, I offered and paid a certain bill he needed to pay because I believe he earned it. It pays to be nice and humble.

Note to myself!

I caught myself staring at myself in the mirror, in boxer briefs and doing a front double biceps pose. I smiled and said to myself: “man, do you know why you exercise everyday and still unfit?” I said “because you over think everything and eventually miss that energy that comes to those who don’t give a phuk.”

And then I wrote this note to myself:

If you want to be in peace, avoid immature people, particularly those who do things they know will make you angry, to get attention or just for the heck of it. If you cannot avoid their company, remember that sometimes not giving a rat’s behind is all there is to give.

You’ll of course encounter selfishness, but be so selfless that even if you dream of causing the downfall of a brother or a sister, you’ll wake up, repent and go back to sleep. If you think someone is out to harm you, change your thoughts a little bit and see if things will change. If not, separate yourself from that someone.

If you start something off on the wrong foot and make a mess like you've already done more than twenty-ten times, give thanks still, and don’t act as if that’s the ending to life. Try to do it right next time, and if possible, start off on both feet - both can’t be wrong.

If you’re a newcomer at your place of work, don’t rate the veteran too low, and if you’re a veteran, don’t be harsh on the beginner. If you want to see something happen, take courage and do something about it. That’s the surest way to progress. Grumbling or finding someone to lay blame on is not going to make a difference.

If you want to avoid imaginary priorities, do not give tit for imaginary tat, don’t hate imaginary enemies, don’t celebrate imaginary success and don’t go in pursuit of imaginary repute or drag your thoughts into imaginary troubles, otherwise you’re living an imaginary life.

Last but not least, keep your eyes half-open, but also overstand that you’re not in competition with anyone. The only competition worth your A-game is the one with yourself. Always try to set your own records and be determined to break your own record.

Be good, see good, do good!

Naturally, people who secure contentment on the discontent of others will get what they deserve - and when things get out of the ordinary, they will wonder what brought about the ironic turn of events or what they did to deserve what they got, but that’s because they’re so forgetful.

Call it poetic justice, karma or dual aspect concept, terminology don’t matter, just be careful in your dealings with people – and ask the bookkeepers, they’ll confirm that “every debit transaction must have a corresponding credit transaction(s) and vice versa.” 

Always look into the driving force.

In those days when people used to attach importance to inklings, omens, hints and signs, there lived a king that offered his daughter’s hand in marriage and three suitors expressed Interest. He decided to appraise their husband-worthiness with one simple question:

“What’s the assurance that you’ll stay with and take care of my daughter, be it for better or worse?”

Suitor number one said upsetting the king is a story he dares not be a part of. Number two said he will rather fall from Kilimanjaro for a dare than turn his back on the queen’s daughter. The third suitor said his resolve is neither anchored in the king nor the queen but unconditional love and loyalty to the princess, and that he’s a man of his word.

Suitor three became the victor and do you know why…because the sincerity of the first two suitors was based on submission to the king and queen, but what if they are no more? The victor on the other hand was motivated by love and genuine devotion and naturally expected to hold nothing less than faithfulness.

Receipt for the purchase of a wife?

Part  One:
My non-native friend wants to marry a young lady that works at a café he owns. We visited the parents and they were seemingly thrilled that someone is interested in their daughter, but made it clear that they were not selling out their daughter, that the suitor only needs to take care of her for them.  

We asked what next and this reasonable list was given: the dowry payable to the girl, the father and mother’s stake, the uncle and aunt’s share, the grandma and granddad’s part, the token of gratitude to the girl’s godparents, payment in lieu of traditional farm duties for the girls family, the customary payment to the presiding Imam at the community mosque.

They also said that the young lady’s two dependent siblings should be given something to start life, and that other payables including cola, refreshments and incidental expenses will be communicated before the traditional wedding - “the fashionable wedding is the business of the couple” they said.

Last evening, my friend called me to his house, computed the initial invoice and I am about to collect a few elders to go and do the payment. However, he insisted that I should bring along a receipt in acknowledgement of the payment made for the purchase of a wife. Now my mind is in a worse shape than the world’s slowest-growing economy – like who the hell gives receipts for these things? Anyway, I'll let y'all posted after this visit.

Part Two:  
Anyways, we’re back folks! It was a short engagement at our prospective in-laws’ and I think we got schooled. We talked about the receipt and suddenly moods changed. The girl’s father went bonkers: “RECEIPT FOR DOWRY? Oh my God, you idiots can’t be serious,” and then he said:

"If you think we’re just giving you a lifelong version of your usual one-night stands then forget it. This is someone who’s going to leave her family to be your companion and to share life with you, to save you from your cheap self, give you lawful satisfaction in bed and a family of your own, to open your heart to kindness and give you an opportunity to leave behind a legacy. 

We’re giving you someone who is going to give you a sense of social and religious fulfillment, create an atmosphere that is healthy and conducive to raise your children in; someone who’s going to nurse and cook for you and your children regardless of a public holiday, makes you proud amongst your peers, and does your household tasks with or without a maid.

Now are you still saying it is expensive to show appreciation to the people who had helped in the evolution of this beautiful, intelligent, tasteful and fulfilling partner that is coming into your home to transform both your physical and emotional life, and it’s not like she’s a woman you don't love or we are asking for money you can’t afford?" – Now I am dumbfounded. I think not only were we schooled, but we got owned! LOL

 

Neediness is sometimes self-imposed.

When folks brew warga at home and they leave surplus sugar all over the place, my mom (RIP) will tell them: “Omar will soon come and put all these in his sugar bowl and y’all will eventually go to him for sugar” – she knew her boy knows how to be penny-wise, and not just 'penny-wise and pound-foolish'.

I spoke about lack of opportunity the other day, but I believe neediness is sometimes self-imposed and the primary causes are: inordinate pride, culture of laziness, misplaced priorities, attention garnering and lavishness – and I won’t unpack these terms because they aren’t Latin. I will only give instances:

The other day I told a homegirl that if I was a lady, I can use one synthetic hair many times and nobody will know. I only need a brush and a pair of scissors, but that’s so unlikely for someone who feels so big to reuse. Folks want to wear a 12thousand Dalasi hair on a 12Dalasi head to every occasion and by all except prudent means.

If you scrap stuff because you can always buy new stuff when the need arises, the need will someday arise and you’re going to wish you had not thrown stuff out. If you’re too lazy to wash or you’re in the habit of wearing your finest clothes to do chores, your wardrobe will never flourish. If you don’t do your dishes on time or repair repairable gadgets, you’ll keep buying avoidable replacements

If you don’t cook because your favourite actress in ‘Glamour Girls’ doesn’t, you’re being fooled, because eating out or doing ‘Chinese’ everyday is not only unhealthy but also unsustainable – and cooking more than necessary is not a sign of affluence as you may think; in fact nobody fancies wastefulness. You should perhaps wait until you’re cooking for a spiritual union.

If you can’t do anything by yourself as in ‘DIY’, you’ll always pay for stuff, thereby gobbling up what you could’ve used on something else. If you feel too big to walk from Harry’s to Zenith Bank on Kairaba Avenue and keep fit in the process, you’re losing both health and wealth, and when shit happens, Dr. Gaye will more than gladly be there to collect avoidable consultation fees.

Folly is when you’re not able to afford breakfast but can afford to smoke dinosaur looking ‘Joints’ every blessed day, or when you cannot pay your tuition fees but able to be at the VIP section of every known birthday bash. Being painfully desirous of driving a V8 when you cannot afford a gallon of gas is foolishness, and if you expect some ‘Mungu’ to pay for it, he’ll in time wise up and you’ll be sorry.

If you never think about spending on anything gainful, because someone out there will always provide, you’ll be damned if the stream dries up - and naturally, the supported will be affected if misfortune should occur to the supporter....Donc, nanj len bayi tayal, bayi star-star lou bi, teh bayi yaha. Sakanaal warrna jaam!

Oh! Did I say I saw someone come all the way from Koina to Bakoteh to buy an ordinary nail polish? Yeah - she wanted to take a couple of ‘selfies’ at a shopping mall, and that’s the worst trap of all - becoming a brand-whore. I’ll talk about that later.