Hashtag Writes

Dear Hashtag (Ab)user,

My name is Hashtag and I act for any word or phrase that is preceded by a hash sign (#). The idea behind my being is to be able to identify messages on specific topics and to help people to search for messages that have a common topic, and as simply as clicking on a particular hashtag.

However, I have observed that some of you are misusing, abusing and overusing me and I don’t like it. Sometimes I am used more than the words in certain posts, and other times I am made unnecessarily longer than even a normal sentence.

Sometime I am like, how can you use a hashtag that is 140 characters long and expect someone somewhere to have a message tagged like that. I'm not kidding, but calm down! LOL

Pissed off tool

Hashtag

It pays to be nice and humble.

So Barack Obama went to Jamaica and spoke Jamaican Patois, saying: “Wa guan Jamaica”, stopped at the Bob Marley museum, did power-five and pound handshakes. His take on the decriminalisation of the herb was asked, and he humbly answered even though he said it’s not a “silver bullet.” He posed with the legend Usain Bolt and did Bolt’s signature pose, et cetera.

Now with the exception of few never-happy-about-anything-Babylon Jamaicans, Mr. President’s coolness really earned him admiration over there.

See how you can be worthy of goodwill and positive reception even in Jamaica and it won’t cost you anything except your friendly attitude and humility - and do you know that goodwill is a quantifiable asset? Yes it is, ask the accountants.

I once wrote a piece about this man that used to stop by our hangout to give us a piece of his stack of Nana/Spearmint and respectfully talk to us like he was one of us, and how that gesture earned him our loyalty, how we used to brew green tea for him, washed his livestock and ran most of his errands.

Even now that we’re all grown, we still pay homage. The last I saw him, no brags and not that he cannot afford it, I offered and paid a certain bill he needed to pay because I believe he earned it. It pays to be nice and humble.

Note to myself!

I caught myself staring at myself in the mirror, in boxer briefs and doing a front double biceps pose. I smiled and said to myself: “man, do you know why you exercise everyday and still unfit?” I said “because you over think everything and eventually miss that energy that comes to those who don’t give a phuk.”

And then I wrote this note to myself:

If you want to be in peace, avoid immature people, particularly those who do things they know will make you angry, to get attention or just for the heck of it. If you cannot avoid their company, remember that sometimes not giving a rat’s behind is all there is to give.

You’ll of course encounter selfishness, but be so selfless that even if you dream of causing the downfall of a brother or a sister, you’ll wake up, repent and go back to sleep. If you think someone is out to harm you, change your thoughts a little bit and see if things will change. If not, separate yourself from that someone.

If you start something off on the wrong foot and make a mess like you've already done more than twenty-ten times, give thanks still, and don’t act as if that’s the ending to life. Try to do it right next time, and if possible, start off on both feet - both can’t be wrong.

If you’re a newcomer at your place of work, don’t rate the veteran too low, and if you’re a veteran, don’t be harsh on the beginner. If you want to see something happen, take courage and do something about it. That’s the surest way to progress. Grumbling or finding someone to lay blame on is not going to make a difference.

If you want to avoid imaginary priorities, do not give tit for imaginary tat, don’t hate imaginary enemies, don’t celebrate imaginary success and don’t go in pursuit of imaginary repute or drag your thoughts into imaginary troubles, otherwise you’re living an imaginary life.

Last but not least, keep your eyes half-open, but also overstand that you’re not in competition with anyone. The only competition worth your A-game is the one with yourself. Always try to set your own records and be determined to break your own record.

Be good, see good, do good!

Naturally, people who secure contentment on the discontent of others will get what they deserve - and when things get out of the ordinary, they will wonder what brought about the ironic turn of events or what they did to deserve what they got, but that’s because they’re so forgetful.

Call it poetic justice, karma or dual aspect concept, terminology don’t matter, just be careful in your dealings with people – and ask the bookkeepers, they’ll confirm that “every debit transaction must have a corresponding credit transaction(s) and vice versa.” 

Always look into the driving force.

In those days when people used to attach importance to inklings, omens, hints and signs, there lived a king that offered his daughter’s hand in marriage and three suitors expressed Interest. He decided to appraise their husband-worthiness with one simple question:

“What’s the assurance that you’ll stay with and take care of my daughter, be it for better or worse?”

Suitor number one said upsetting the king is a story he dares not be a part of. Number two said he will rather fall from Kilimanjaro for a dare than turn his back on the queen’s daughter. The third suitor said his resolve is neither anchored in the king nor the queen but unconditional love and loyalty to the princess, and that he’s a man of his word.

Suitor three became the victor and do you know why…because the sincerity of the first two suitors was based on submission to the king and queen, but what if they are no more? The victor on the other hand was motivated by love and genuine devotion and naturally expected to hold nothing less than faithfulness.

Receipt for the purchase of a wife?

Part  One:
My non-native friend wants to marry a young lady that works at a café he owns. We visited the parents and they were seemingly thrilled that someone is interested in their daughter, but made it clear that they were not selling out their daughter, that the suitor only needs to take care of her for them.  

We asked what next and this reasonable list was given: the dowry payable to the girl, the father and mother’s stake, the uncle and aunt’s share, the grandma and granddad’s part, the token of gratitude to the girl’s godparents, payment in lieu of traditional farm duties for the girls family, the customary payment to the presiding Imam at the community mosque.

They also said that the young lady’s two dependent siblings should be given something to start life, and that other payables including cola, refreshments and incidental expenses will be communicated before the traditional wedding - “the fashionable wedding is the business of the couple” they said.

Last evening, my friend called me to his house, computed the initial invoice and I am about to collect a few elders to go and do the payment. However, he insisted that I should bring along a receipt in acknowledgement of the payment made for the purchase of a wife. Now my mind is in a worse shape than the world’s slowest-growing economy – like who the hell gives receipts for these things? Anyway, I'll let y'all posted after this visit.

Part Two:  
Anyways, we’re back folks! It was a short engagement at our prospective in-laws’ and I think we got schooled. We talked about the receipt and suddenly moods changed. The girl’s father went bonkers: “RECEIPT FOR DOWRY? Oh my God, you idiots can’t be serious,” and then he said:

"If you think we’re just giving you a lifelong version of your usual one-night stands then forget it. This is someone who’s going to leave her family to be your companion and to share life with you, to save you from your cheap self, give you lawful satisfaction in bed and a family of your own, to open your heart to kindness and give you an opportunity to leave behind a legacy. 

We’re giving you someone who is going to give you a sense of social and religious fulfillment, create an atmosphere that is healthy and conducive to raise your children in; someone who’s going to nurse and cook for you and your children regardless of a public holiday, makes you proud amongst your peers, and does your household tasks with or without a maid.

Now are you still saying it is expensive to show appreciation to the people who had helped in the evolution of this beautiful, intelligent, tasteful and fulfilling partner that is coming into your home to transform both your physical and emotional life, and it’s not like she’s a woman you don't love or we are asking for money you can’t afford?" – Now I am dumbfounded. I think not only were we schooled, but we got owned! LOL

 

Neediness is sometimes self-imposed.

When folks brew warga at home and they leave surplus sugar all over the place, my mom (RIP) will tell them: “Omar will soon come and put all these in his sugar bowl and y’all will eventually go to him for sugar” – she knew her boy knows how to be penny-wise, and not just 'penny-wise and pound-foolish'.

I spoke about lack of opportunity the other day, but I believe neediness is sometimes self-imposed and the primary causes are: inordinate pride, culture of laziness, misplaced priorities, attention garnering and lavishness – and I won’t unpack these terms because they aren’t Latin. I will only give instances:

The other day I told a homegirl that if I was a lady, I can use one synthetic hair many times and nobody will know. I only need a brush and a pair of scissors, but that’s so unlikely for someone who feels so big to reuse. Folks want to wear a 12thousand Dalasi hair on a 12Dalasi head to every occasion and by all except prudent means.

If you scrap stuff because you can always buy new stuff when the need arises, the need will someday arise and you’re going to wish you had not thrown stuff out. If you’re too lazy to wash or you’re in the habit of wearing your finest clothes to do chores, your wardrobe will never flourish. If you don’t do your dishes on time or repair repairable gadgets, you’ll keep buying avoidable replacements

If you don’t cook because your favourite actress in ‘Glamour Girls’ doesn’t, you’re being fooled, because eating out or doing ‘Chinese’ everyday is not only unhealthy but also unsustainable – and cooking more than necessary is not a sign of affluence as you may think; in fact nobody fancies wastefulness. You should perhaps wait until you’re cooking for a spiritual union.

If you can’t do anything by yourself as in ‘DIY’, you’ll always pay for stuff, thereby gobbling up what you could’ve used on something else. If you feel too big to walk from Harry’s to Zenith Bank on Kairaba Avenue and keep fit in the process, you’re losing both health and wealth, and when shit happens, Dr. Gaye will more than gladly be there to collect avoidable consultation fees.

Folly is when you’re not able to afford breakfast but can afford to smoke dinosaur looking ‘Joints’ every blessed day, or when you cannot pay your tuition fees but able to be at the VIP section of every known birthday bash. Being painfully desirous of driving a V8 when you cannot afford a gallon of gas is foolishness, and if you expect some ‘Mungu’ to pay for it, he’ll in time wise up and you’ll be sorry.

If you never think about spending on anything gainful, because someone out there will always provide, you’ll be damned if the stream dries up - and naturally, the supported will be affected if misfortune should occur to the supporter....Donc, nanj len bayi tayal, bayi star-star lou bi, teh bayi yaha. Sakanaal warrna jaam!

Oh! Did I say I saw someone come all the way from Koina to Bakoteh to buy an ordinary nail polish? Yeah - she wanted to take a couple of ‘selfies’ at a shopping mall, and that’s the worst trap of all - becoming a brand-whore. I’ll talk about that later.